Monday, January 4, 2016

Bouncy ball thoughts. Chime in if you wish.

"I want another one. Not two. Just one."

The words dropped from Shaun's mouth so easily one night last week. The words have been weighing all too heavily on my mind since he dropped them like a bomb. I'm pretty sure he said them without knowing how heavy they would be on my brain and soul. Now, his wish is all I can think about and I'm pretty sure he has moved on from truly thinking about it.

We have taken some time to talk about some possible pros and cons together. The con list is so much longer than the pro, by the way. But as most men do, I think Shaun starts to think about other Shaun things and my brain just dwells on every scenario that a third (or another set of twins) could bring. Yes, it's entirely possible that twins could happen again.

I'm contemplating our home. I love our home so much. It has character and I wanted to raise a family here. We have three bedrooms so having another means no spare bedroom and some sibling always has to share a room with another sibling. We talked about an addition to our beloved house, but the thought of all of the noise and house disruption makes me freak out. We talked about buying another house, but of course that makes me sad because (like I said) I love this house! And...I HATE moving.

I'm contemplating our vehicle. Shortly after the boys were born, we got a Sequoia. I love the beast. Her name is Jazzy. I feel safe in it and I've always been more of a truck girl so it's hard for me to picture myself in anything else. The logistics of it right now though are somewhat of a pain and as much as I love it, we've been throwing the idea around of (gasp!) trading it in for a mini van. Yep. You read that right. My heart aches a little just writing it. Financially it makes great sense and from a family standpoint it makes sense too...I just don't want to admit it. I will say though that I've seen some pretty sweet mini vans around lately. Maybe they're becoming cool? Or, maybe I'm just being all the more uncool and my eyes are changing.

Those are just a couple of the big things I've thought (and we've talked) about. But now, almost every single moment of the day, I'm thinking about what it would be like to have a little one around in addition to the craziness of what already exists. It's easy to want another one when things are going really good of course and vice versa.

I could write forever on this topic, but of course it would be all over the place like a bouncy ball. Do I want another one? My heart does, yes. My brain tells me otherwise. It makes me feel selfish. I really just don't want another one because things are getting to a point where we can share more and more experiences with them and I love it. We're getting to a point where we can drop them off at the grandparents (because they live so close now!) and get some time away for ourselves. We haven't really had that in over two years. I feel like having another one would add on another two to three years of being somewhat completely selfless. I'm not so sure I'm ready for that. I wasn't sure I was ready to handle twins either though. When I think about how long life actually is though, another two to three years seems so minimal!

I do love the idea of Owen and Emmett having a brother or sister. I do love the idea of a semi-big family...perhaps not in the short run, but in the long run I like it. I do love the idea of getting another experience with being pregnant and laboring. Maybe I'd actually get the birth experience I really wanted on the next go round! I do love the idea of creating another kind soul for this world.

See? Right now I'm feeling all mushy and want one. But I could probably come back in another 15 minutes and write something completely different. It's easy to want another one as I'm listening to my boys sweetly waking up from their nap and talking and singing to one another...


  1. Although I do not have any kids myself yet, my wife and I plan to in the near future. We've talked about some of these same issues in regards to when to start trying and how many we want.

    One of the things we came to realize as we talked about it is that you have to keep yourself near the top of your list of priorities too. It's ok to put yourself first. It's ok to want to maintain a particular lifestyle. It's ok to have those feelings.

    In the end, whether you and Shaun decide not to have anymore kids or decided to have 20 (even though we might all refer to you as the Duggars), you two will make the right decision for you.

  2. Dare I say there is not a wrong answer here? I don't think there is. Maybe that makes the decision even harder!