Friday, February 13, 2015

I can't keep calm. I have toddlers.

I could begin with writing about how long it has been since I last wrote, but I'm sure you get it. Kids are busy! Sure, I have some time to write when they're napping or after they go to bed, but I don't want to! Truth is, I choose to be lazy during those times. I sometimes feel guilty after tidying up if I sit down to just watch The Real Housewives, but I'm trying to be better about just enjoying the downtime. A constant work in progress...that is me. 

Here's the daily grind now: waking, eating, playing, morning outing, return home for more playing, more eating, NAP!, waking, eating, playing, walking the dogs, playing, eating, BED! 

Seems so simple, right? It's a pretty basic routine, but what you can place in the in-between spaces are giggling, whining, crying, frustration, hitting, throwing and more whining. The communication skills they lack are not just frustrating for them, but for me too! Welcome to the toddler years, I guess. 

The toddler years are a huge reason why having another baby seems like the most insane idea ever to me. Sure, they're overall cute, but the whining and tantrums are things that work on my patience very quick. I try to remind myself that it's not me they're frustrated with, but something they simply cannot communicate. Are they hungry? Tired? Teething pain? Stomach hurt? Just moody today? We all have our days where we don't want to interact with others, right? I can't imagine waking up cranky and not being able to simply say, "I'm cranky today, please leave me alone". 

So I think, maybe if I just leave him have some alone time, he'll work it out. Nope. There he is, tugging at my leg. Then I think, ok, I'll just take a moment and be with him. Take some time to really make eye contact and let him know I'm here for him. Hold him. Nope! How dare I! So this is the point when I get frustrated myself and I also start throwing a temper tantrum. Well, fine! I didn't want a hug anyway! So then the three of us simply wander the house whining and crying. More often than not, it's fixed with a nap (alone time for me) and we're all good with each other again after we've had some time away from one another. 

I was talking with a friend's aunt yesterday who is one sibling out of triplets. We were just making small talk about having multiples in general, but we were imagining how her mother did it daily. No dryer, no disposable diapers, different formulas for the kids, none of the things that honestly make my life a little easier. During the time when she had triplets, it was very rare so she also didn't have a multiples parenting support group like I do. I can't even imagine what it was like for her on a daily basis. Did she feel like some days she was on top of the world like I do? Did she feel like bedtime could not come quick enough on other days like I do? What advice would she have for me? I will never know. What I do know, is that I'm missing family presence more than ever. 

In the early days, I was very willing and eager to seek out help from almost anyone. People that got me through some hard days were neighbors, close friends, acquaintences and sometimes complete strangers! Turn the clock to now and I'd have to say that it's harder for me to accept help. I'm more stubborn about it. I think it's because I've been (more often than not) solo with them for so long that I'm set in my routine and the way we roll. It's hard for me to let go of control. There I said it...I'm a control freak with them. I'm a Momzilla. Hear me roar. 

I get jealous when I see others (via social media) having date nights, outing with their friends or solo time doing whatever they want. I miss my selfish days. It's normal (I hope). But family is not here (and I hate paying for sitters) so I need to either ask for help, accept help or be 100% happy with the constant daily grind of wrestling (yes, at times it feels like we're wrestling) with these boys. I need to stop my whining and communicate my needs and wants that are gonna keep me sane. I need to stop acting like a toddler. 

Shaun repeatedly tells me have solo time, but I don't. The weekends are when we have true family time so I feel guilty leaving. He loves having solo time with the boys, but I just enjoy doing things as a family of four. Plus, I know how much easier outings are with the extra hands. I also know that being alone or hanging out with a friend lifts my spirit in a completely different way that it makes me a better Mom. 

A work in progress. It always comes back to that. I'm doing the best that I can and enjoying my days with them because I know how quickly they are passing. This is it. At times the days may seem so incredibly long, but all too quick I'll be left standing in the kitchen and asking, "where did my little boys go"? All of the frustrating moments seem to go out the window at the end of the day when I get to sit down and be thankful. I'm so thankful that I get the best of both worlds of being their mom during the day and working a little too. They are very sweet and funny boys. I know our family wishes they could be near this "insanity" just as much as I wish they could rescue me from it at times.